“It’s this terrible, syrupy kosher wine. And it’s caked in the front of my fucking brain.”
“On a scale from zero to hungover, I am dead.”
“I am literally trying to squint the brain out of my head. It’s that’s bad.”
“I’mma just gonna lie here and pretend it’s tomorrow until that’s true.”
“That little part of me that puts up with your shit is dead. Don’t. Fucking. Push it.”
“Blacked out. Woke in a ditch. Subject closed.”
“Are you fuckin-STEVE! YOU ABSOLUTE SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER!”
“I feel like shit and my wallet’s missing. It’s like I mugged myself.”
“All I know is that we ended up racking up a $300 tab at a Belgian beer bar. This headache is the most expensive thing I own right now.”
“Yo. We’re pretty sure we left something at your place last night but, uh…we can’t tell you what it is.”
“I’m wet because it rained last night. I’m wet because it rained last night. If I say it enough times, it will be true.”
“Whoop-de-fucking-doo, Dave.”
"Well Whiskey and Regret had a baby....and that baby was me."
“These are…bushes. That, and the location of my party hat are the two things I know right now.”
“‘S’alright. I only killed the part of my brain I don’t need.”
“Laying on my back means I’m asleep. Laying on my stomach means you need to get the Hell out of here right now.”
"I woke up with more scabs than a meth addict. I will tell you I was mugged. Do not pry. The truth is far worse."
“If I could stop making this face, I would.”
“That…that wasn’t the real me last night. The real me knows that if I said those things to your face, then you would never shut the fuck up about it.” 
“Ah…ahhhhh…everything inside me wants out.”
“Man, I’m too exhausted to be disgusted. Fuckin’ save me some.”
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