More Hungover Owls

“It’s this terrible, syrupy kosher wine. And it’s caked in the front of my fucking brain.”

“On a scale from zero to hungover, I am dead.”

“I am literally trying to squint the brain out of my head. It’s that’s bad.”

“I’mma just gonna lie here and pretend it’s tomorrow until that’s true.”

“That little part of me that puts up with your shit is dead. Don’t. Fucking. Push it.”

“Blacked out. Woke in a ditch. Subject closed.”

“Are you fuckin-STEVE! YOU ABSOLUTE SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER!”

“I feel like shit and my wallet’s missing. It’s like I mugged myself.”

“All I know is that we ended up racking up a $300 tab at a Belgian beer bar. This headache is the most expensive thing I own right now.”

“Yo. We’re pretty sure we left something at your place last night but, uh…we can’t tell you what it is.”

“I’m wet because it rained last night. I’m wet because it rained last night. If I say it enough times, it will be true.”

“Whoop-de-fucking-doo, Dave.”

"Well Whiskey and Regret had a baby....and that baby was me."

“These are…bushes. That, and the location of my party hat are the two things I know right now.”

“‘S’alright. I only killed the part of my brain I don’t need.”

“Laying on my back means I’m asleep. Laying on my stomach means you need to get the Hell out of here right now.”

"I woke up with more scabs than a meth addict. I will tell you I was mugged. Do not pry. The truth is far worse."

“If I could stop making this face, I would.”

“That…that wasn’t the real me last night. The real me knows that if I said those things to your face, then you would never shut the fuck up about it.”

“Ah…ahhhhh…everything inside me wants out.”

“Man, I’m too exhausted to be disgusted. Fuckin’ save me some.”

Facebook Status Whores

I really don't understand people who continually update their facebook statuses. I can understand the occasional update about travelling, a sports team, big news, snow days, etc. I cannot understand the incessant updates that fill us in on every single detail of your life. I really don't give a shit if you had a wonderful day cooking for your "hubby" (I really hate when people throw the word hubby around on FB) or your children and cleaning your house. I just want to tell these annoying facebookers to get a Twitter account and save all their cheesiness for Tweets. Twitter is great because I can simply choose not to follow people like this. I'm sure you're wondering why I don't just defriend said annoying people. Even though I would rather carve my eyes out with a dirty spork than read annoying FB updates, I hate to miss out on pictures, wall posts, and profile information by defriending these losers. The people that tend to update their statuses the most, also tend to be the people that make me feel better about myself by having such tragic pictures, cheesy profile quotes, and ridic posts from their friends.

Food for thought: People that constantly update their status are usually doing so for one of the following uber-stupid reasons.

1.) He or she obvi wants someone in particular to read it. Let's be honest, this person that you want to read your status has better things to do than read about what your lame ass is doing via FB. I had a friend that kept updating her status after her boyfriend dumped her. She would write crap like "I'm so happy and having such a great day!" Obvi you're nothaving a "great day" if you're taking the time to update your FB status. He's prob feeling sorry for you because you clearly haven't moved on and everyone on FB knows it.

2.) He or she wants to let everyone know just how fulfilled they are with their lives. In other words they're either beyond full of themselves and attempting to make others jealous or they actually hate their lives and are trying to put up a happy facade (or maybe still trying to make other people jealous). In both cases these fools obvi need a reality check. No one is going to be jealous of your most recent status update about what your kids* did today. In fact no one is ever going to be jealous of you, because clearly all you do is sit around and post new statuses. If you feel the need to share that crap, start a blog and we can all just steer clear of it. Stop overflowing my news feed. Becuase I don't care and I'm pretty sure no one else does either.

*I realize that I made numerous references to status updaters that are married and or have kids. That's because these are the worst freaking kind. The Pregnant Women Are Smug ladies need to write a song about the women with kids that are smug. An annoying status updater with children is actually what got me jacked up enough to write this post. She tends to average 3 to 4 status updates a day, and although she only had one update today it annoyed me because she misspelled chili (as in the food). She spelled it Chile, as in the country. Spesh. If you're going to spend your time annoying the rest of us, at least be grammatically correct while you're doing it. My sisters and I used to randomly e-mail each other with her status updates...we called it her thought of the day. She provided us with lots o' entertainment (hence why I refuse to just straight up defriend her), until she put up pics of her prego belly and her pregnancy test. No one wants to see that shit.

Some of my personal favorites from her past status updates:
-"Cinderella is missing her morning dances with her daddy charming."
I just vommed a little.

-"ate four pieces of toast so that I'd have something to nurse my daughter. She is down for a nap, but now I'm feeling pretty yucky again. My son and my mothe are playing and my husband is doing our taxes. I think it is time for my first nap of the day!"
I think it's time someone permenantly deleted her from FB.

-"loves my son's Nalgene Grip and Gulp sip cup. This thing is indestructable and the valve is great. It won't leak... (unless you forget to put the valve in and your son turns it upside down in his stroller! lol) But seriously. I love it!"
But seriously get a life. You've lowered yourself to writing status updates about a freaking sippi cup.

-after taking a what wedding ring am I FB quiz she posted this gem:
"okay my engagement ring is a round somewhat solitare (no other large stones) and I was a young bride. 21. Those are my EXACT goals in life. I have a taste for nice things, but for sure cut coupons and I made pot roast yesterday! I'm so conservative but get discouraged in our leaders if I watch too much politics..."
Do you get discouraged because you didn't understand what you were watching? I mean... I don't think she even understood what she was trying to get across in that post. Believe it or not those are her exact words verbatum. God help us when she starts writing more political themed posts....

Inspiration for Water for Elephants?

"The Day They Hanged an Elephant in East Tennessee"

Mary the Elephant killed her handler Red Eldridge in Kingsport, Tennessee on September 12, 1916The website explains that although no one denies Mary killed Eldridge, no one knows how or why for certain. It goes on to offer numerous theories as to how and why gathered from the oral-history tapes from the Archives of Appalachia at East Tennessee State University. On September 13, 1916 more than 2,500 people were present to watch Mary hanged from a Derrick Car 1400.

(according to www.blueridgecountry.com/archive/mary-the-elephant.html)

Tron

So I saw Tron: Legacy last week and actually really liked it. The special effects were beyond legit and the soundtrack was amazing. I'm always pleasantly surprised when Disney does a more adult movie like this, i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean, that turns out to be so fawesome. The soundtrack is Daft Punk and something to definitely pay attention to during the movie. I will say Tron: Legacy is a movie that you need to let yourself get wrapped up in. By that I mean commit to the fantasy of it; don't over think what you're watching or you might end up disliking it. I feel the same way about the Matrix Trilogy, you have to commit to what you're watching or you'll spend the rest of the movie thinking WTF. Some fantasy movies are easier to commit to than others (obvi like Harry Potter), but def give Tron a chance. Just food for thought. I've never seen the original Tron, but have recently added it to my Netflix Queue. PS: Be looking for Michael Sheen. He's fawesome as usual.

Movies I'm still dying to see:
-Black Swan (I'm a huge fan of both Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis and the preview makes the film look amazingly dark and twisted)
-The King's Speech (I freaking love Colin Firth. Also any Pride & Prejudice fan who hasn't seen the BBC miniseries with him as Darcy needs to do so stat)
-The Kids Are Alright (I've heard Annette Benning is amazing and who doesn't love some Mark Ruffalo?)

Favorite Names

One thing I love about teaching is getting to hear hilarious names. It's almost like a game to try to pronounce each name correctly on the first try. So far these are my favorite names:



Snow (she's native american and her name is Elizabeth Snow, yet she goes by Snow...bold)

Eily (pronounced ee-ly)

Emerald

Myshayla

Haruka (little Japanese girl that speaks zero English, her last name is Sazuki)

Shota (also japanese)

Dakota (very 90's)

River (little white girl)

Indianna

Subaru (Japanese boy with seriously the longest mullet I've ever seen)

more to come.

Motvational Posters

We have several of your typical motivational posters hanging up at my office. I keep wishing they would change them out for some of the following:

Ellen's Hilarious Scare Montage

Watching Ellen scare people always makes me happy. On rough days like today I literally watch youtube videos of Ellen scaring people for as long as possible.

You Don't Know Jack

I will never forget the huge chunk of my childhood, maybe a year at best, that I spent being obsessed with the computer game (that's right I said computer game) You Don't Know Jack. My sister and I would literally spend hours playing this amazing random trivia game. It not only offered hilarious trivia questions, but also managed to set up crazy ways to answer. Some of my favorite parts of the game included picking names, screwing your opponent, and the final round of play also known as Jack Attack.

At the beginning of the game you get to pick your names. My sister and I quickly learned that failure to select a name meant that Jack selected a name for you. Needless to say, we never picked our own names again. Favorites included Udder Lover and Tricky Dick. Just a side note: Seeing as how I was in elementary school and my sister was in middle school, us thinking word combinations like Tricky Dick being the funniest things we'd ever heard is totally understandable. Each player got a screw at the start of play, and by screw I mean a legit floating screw next to your name on the screen. At any point during play you could press your designated screw key and screw your opponent, meaning they were forced to answer the question. Sometimes it backfired and my sister would end up earning more fake money, but I got the biggest kick out of it none the less. Jack Attack was always fun. Jack would give you a category at which point random words begin flashing across the screen one at a time. You have to hit your key every time you see a word that fits the category before your opponent does. Each time you're the first to hit your key for a correct word you win... wait for it...that's right fake money! Each time you hit a key for an incorrect word you lose some fake money. It's far more intense than it sounds. The words are gradually shown more quickly until the round is over. They get so fast towards the end that blinking is simply out of the question, if you want to be the one to win the most fake money that is. Did I mention that Jack makes sarcastic comments throughout the entire game?

We eventually quit playing You Don't Know Jack because we lost the CD and lost interest in the overall game. It was also made into a tv game show for a while, that we never actually watched. The good news is that Nintendo is allegedly creating a Wii version of You Don't Know Jack!!! If this is in fact true, I will be purchasing it at the first available opportunity and we will be playing it over Christmas nonstop. I have a feeling it's going to kick Charades ass. For those of you who will be participating in Christmas play, as well as post Christmas Party play, I have copied and pasted a list of the types of questions featured in the orig game. It might be a good idea to look them over, because I have already come up with the most amazing drinking game. It's even better than Asshole. I suggest you get your game face on.

Some Example Types of Questions:

• DisOrDat: Featured in all versions except Vol.1 and Sports, the DisOrDat is only played by one player, with a 30-second time limit. The player is given two categories and seven different subjects, and it is up to the player to determine which category the subject falls under (or, in some cases, whether the subject fits both categories). For example, a player might have to determine if Jay Leno was a daytime or a nighttime talk show host, or if orecchiette is a type of pasta or a parasite. Money is added for every correct answer, and deducted for every wrong answer, as usual; any questions not answered before the 30 seconds expires are treated as wrong, and penalized accordingly.
• Gibberish Questions: Featured in all PC versions except HeadRush. Players are given a mondegreen: a nonsensical phrase that rhymes with a more common phrase or title. For example, "Pre-empt Tires, Like Crack" could be the gibberish to The Empire Strikes Back. The first player to buzz in and type the correct answer wins the money. Clues are given as time passes, but the amount of money the player can win decreases by 5% of the initial starting value with every 1.5 seconds that elapse.
• HeadButt: Only existing in HeadRush, these also follow the rules of the Gibberish Questions. Players are given a word equation such as "color of pickles + opposite of night" and have to put it together to form a name or other group (in this case, the color of pickles is "Green", and the opposite of night is "Day", so the answer would be "Green Day").
• Trash Talkin' with Milan: Only existing in HeadRush, "Milan the Janitor" (voiced by Igor Gasowski) hosts a standard multiple choice question about grammar.
• Fill in the Blank: Instead of having four answers to choose from, you have to type the answer out.

Halloween

I have big aspirations to be Margot Tenenbaum for Halloween. I've been researching potential faux fur trench coats and striped Lacoste dresses since the summer and am getting increasingly excited for Halloween!

Today I got an e-mail titled "Why Dogs Bite People," it featured tons of pictures of dogs dressed up in heinous Halloween/no particular reason outfits. I decided to spend some time looking up costumes for my lab, Hank, and for my sister's maltese, Sophie. These are some of the funnier/more impressive dog costumes I found.

If only Star Wars wasn't super overdone.

This was my first pick for Sophie's costume.

I think this one is pretty freaking awesome. Sadly Hank would never tolerate such a costume. The stuffed dog heads wouldn't stand a chance being that close to Hank's Jaws-like teeth (as in Jaws from James Bond). Hank has freakishly strong teeth and loves to tear apart stuffed animals as well as toys that are supposedly indestructible. Indestructible my ass, he never fails to tear a toy apart no matter what it's made of.

This one makes me laugh every time.

I'm interested to know how the balloon udder is attached.

This will be Sophie's costume. It's going to be incredible.

And this will be Hank's costume. He's going to look like a bamf (bad ass mofo)